I WANT TO EAT A NUT OF LAERMA!

GIVE THE ENTARTISTES A BOOT IN THE HEAD FOR EACH PIE IN THE FACE

Yesterday, five or six miscreant ne'er-do-wells from the Les Entartistes group assaulted Quebec Liberal leader Jean Charest and Action Democratique du Qu�bec leader Mario Dumont with pies in the face on the second to last day of the Provincial election campaign, though, amazingly enough, they left the separatist/linguistic-fascist Parti Quebecois party leader (and current Premier of the Province of Quebec) Bernard Landry unassailed. (Shocked, I am, shocked by that.) While the party leaders brushed it off as a minor nusiance, if it happened to me, I'd call it what it is: assault, and would indeed press charges to the full extent of the law.

Why I don't like the Entartistes:

1) They're a bunch of radical communist, and, in the Province of Quebec, invariably separatist wackos. Don't believe me about the communist part? Fine... check out the page where you can vote for which politician, celebrity or other person in the public eye gets pied int he face next, as well as who should receive a "cake of honour"... the names on the "cake of honour" list (in red) are pretty much a "who's who" of the celebrity activist left, locally and abroad (well, at least I don't see cop-killer Mumia Abu-Jamal on their list, but, unfortunately, that's probably more an oversight on their part).

2) At best, what they do is assault, and, at worst, low grade terrorism, because you really can't be sure what's in those pies, and each successful pie in the face is an indictment againt the security team for each candidate, because the pie could just have easily been a bat or a gun.

3) They claim "freedom of speech" as some sort of magical amulet of immunity against criticism and against pressing charges for their criminal activities.

4) Pies in the face aren't funny, and they haven't really been funny for several generations... that's the sort of slapstick comedy they had in the early days of cinema when people were a lot more easily amused. Of course, most of the entartistes are in countries (or, in the case of Quebec, a PROVINCE) mainly populated by "cheese-eating surrender monkeys" or their domestic cousin the "poutine-eating separation monkeys" and they find Jerry Lewis, and, locally, that Hi-Ha Tremblay guy funny, so that's just more a subjective taste thing, I guess.

5) Also, they wear stupid clown noses... clown noses aren't funny; they're just "Patch Adams" maudlin.

Okay, here's the official I WANT TO EAT A NUT OF LAERMA GUIDE FOR WHAT TO DO WHEN ASSAULTED BY AN ENTARTISTE:

1) Deck them (by which I mean punch them real hard in the chin) like George McFly did Biff Tannen at the climax of the first Back to the Future film. Or have your security team pepper spray or taser them. This is self-defense.

2) Have your security team or the cops drag them away to the paddy wagon while they bitch and moan out loud about welfare cuts and the "right-wing" media or whatnot.

3) Press assault charges.

Here's what not to do, but I think it's funny, so I'm writing it anyway:

1) Deck them, pepper spray them or taser them.

2) When they're on the ground writhing in agony, kick them in the head until they're bleeding so much that the blood pools inside the clown nose and starts oozing out onto the cold, cold pavement.

3) Laugh like Nelson Muntz. ("Ha-ha".)

4) Resume kicking them in the head until they're dead.

5) When their souls turn into angels and start ascending to Heaven, shoot them down to Hell, like you could in the old Sega Master System game Gangster Town.

6) Drape a Canadian flag over their body if they were Quebec Entartistes...

posted by Steve Brandon @ 8:05 PM