I WANT TO EAT A NUT OF LAERMA!

MY PATHETIC STABS AT "TEH FUNNY".

In the RottenTomatoes.com forum, poster kaptainbriton posted an obviously fake news article about how Orson Welles' Citizen Kane will be adapted into a television series, showing what happens to the other characters after the movie is over.

I took "TEH FUNNEH" ball and ran with it.

My first attempt was... kind of meh-kay (somwhere around halfway between "meh" and "okay"), drawing ideas from Weekend at Bernie's 2: Bernie in Paradise, the "Pierre Bernard Recliner of Rage" bit about how Pierre didn't like how they resurrected Dr. Daniel Jackson in the seventh season of Stargate SG-1, and, most obviously, Scooby Doo: Where Are You?.

"About time.

I was always asking myself what happened to the characters besides Kane after the film, what exciting mysteries they'd solve and what crazy monsters they'd encounter while travelling around in their sleigh, The Mystery Rosebud.

And I hope Kane gets resurrected like Dr. Daniel Jackson in Stargate SG-1. But he should become a conga-dancing zombie whenever there's music playing."

After someone said that Kane was dead and there was nothing major unresolved in the film, I had what I thought was a funny idea, with one obvious plot element taken from the popular Nicolas Cage film, National Treasure, which has been at the top of the box office for three weeks, but which was supposed to be kind of a cross between the Indiana Jones film series and the cheesy made-in-Toronto syndicated adventure series, Relic Hunter, with Wayne's World's Tia Carrere as Sydney Foxx, sort of an Asian-American Lara Croft.

"What wasn't wrapped up in the film was the mystery of why Charles Foster Kane was faking his death and the answer is because he had become aware of a treasure map hidden on the back of the Mona Lisa which leads the way to untold fortunes of pirate booty stolen from the Spanish armadas and hidden in Mayan temples in the Yucatan. But certain Mayan gods and spirits do not want Kane to take the treasures and Kane will have to fight them and undead pirates week after week, all the while pretending to be a hotshot young reporter from the papers he owns as a cover for his pillaging."

I followed with:

"Also, just to keep modern viewers from being confused, the resurrected, though he was really only faking his death, Charles Foster Kane's first name shall be legally changed to "Citizen", so that no one will ask, "Wait, his name's Charles, so which one is Citizen? Is Citizen his brother or something?"

And:

"Say, when does Citizen Kane become public domain, anyway?

I want to pitch my Citizen Kane: Temple Pillager weekly series to whichever studio in Vancouver does the cheesiest action-adventure series for American syndicated TV and cable's USA Network."

In retrospect, if anyone's interested in my show idea, I think Citizen Kane: Temple Plunderer rolls off the tongue slightly easier.

I even came up with a theme song with Jack of All Trades-esque tongue-in-cheek lyrics, thinking Kane prefers the nickname "Citizen" the way Henry Jones Jr. prefers "Indiana" or "Indy". And, yes, this is a parody of the tribute song to Kane from the actual film, which was, yes, also the song Smithers parodied with his tribute to Mr. Burns and it's the song the White Stripes quoted nearly line by line in the bridge of "The Union Forever".

"There is a man,
A certain man,
Who plunders treasure just for pleasure
In the Yucatan.
Who is this one?
With a whip and gun?
Who often boasts
Of drubbing ghosts of pirates one by one?
Cigars he smokes,
While quipping jokes.
Wouldn't be upset or break a sweat,
Battlin' ghouls voodoo priests invoke.
His wealth and fame,
Grew tired and lame,
His death he's faking, now booty he's taking,
Adventure's his middle name!
What is his name?
It's Citizen Kane!
[crowd] Charles Foster Kane?
He doesn't like "Charles Foster",
Just call him "Citizen Kane"."

Finally, I had my other great idea for a Citizen Kane spinoff series, taking inspiration from bad snowboarding lifestyle-oriented films like Out Cold and Extreme Ops, and the classic season 6 South Park episode "Ass-pen" mixed with the general laid-back crime fighting attitude of the syndicated TV show Pacific Blue and I included one plot element from the You're Under Arrest episode "Tokyo Typhoon Rally".

"From the producers of Citizen Kane: Temple Pillager comes Vancouver's raddest action-comedy series, Citizen Kane Extreme.

The great-grandson of "Citizen Kane", Charlie Foster Kane Jr. the Third, is the heir to the family fortune, but, rather than run the family media empire, he is content to surf the powder in Vail (filmed in Whistler) on his gnarly snowboard, Rosebud IV, searching for missing snowbound tourists, rescuing pregnant cats to deliver them to the veternarian at the bottom of the mountain, and snatching metal cases full of money and contraband from international criminal gangs who hide out in the Rockies. Awesome, dude! Citizen Kane Jr. is also a snowboard instructor and participates in frequent snowboard competitions to save hilltop orphanages. To the max!"

What a radical and totally tubular idea for a show I had. I hope someone makes it the day after Citizen Kane becomes public domain. And sends me a big cheque.

posted by Steve Brandon @ 11:48 PM