I WANT TO EAT A NUT OF LAERMA!

MICHAEL MOORE ON THE CONSERVATIVES...

Well, here's what can be taken as a huge sign of confidence that the Stephen Harper Conservatives shall win on Monday, possibly even with a majority (I'm not confident about "majority", but we'll see): Michael Moore's shouting into the wind to make one last, futile attempt to dissuade Canadians from voting Tory.

"Oh, Canada -- you're not really going to elect a Conservative majority on Monday, are you? That's a joke, right? I know you have a great sense of humor, and certainly a well-developed sense of irony, but this is no longer funny. Maybe it's a new form of Canadian irony -- reverse irony! OK, now I get it. First, you have the courage to stand against the war in Iraq -- and then you elect a prime minister who's for it. You declare gay people have equal rights -- and then you elect a man who says they don't. You give your native peoples their own autonomy and their own territory -- and then you vote for a man who wants to cut aid to these poorest of your citizens. Wow, that is intense! Only Canadians could pull off a hat trick of humor like that. My hat's off to you."

Far be it for me to suggest that Michael Moore should mind his own business and not express an opinion on the Canadian elections. Until the "rest of the world" shuts their pie-holes about President Bush (a.k.a. "Doctor Kickass"), not counting those of us evil Mark Steyn/David Frum types who aren't American yet somehow still support Bush, I don't think it's proper for Canadians to tell Americans that they shouldn't attempt to convince us to vote one way or another.

But, considering that I consider Michael Moore to be "Professor Wrongo of the Bad Advice Institute"¹ and I always think and do the exact opposite of what he tells me to think and do, the only way he could possibly convince me to not vote Conservative would be to tell me to vote Conservative. A little reverse psychology. Unless I could sense he was trying to trick me by telling me to do what I was going to do anyway, thus making me do the opposite, so, in that event, I'd do what he said. (Or he could buy me one of them giant radio-controlled Airbus A380s and enough R/C jet fuel to last me a year. Yeah, someone could get me to do a lot of things for one of those.)

So, his words just strengthen my resolve to vote Conservative. I hereby dedicate my Conservative vote to Michael Moore.

And what shall I say about Michael Moore as I'm casting my vote for the Conservatives on Monday? "I hope he can see this, because I'm doing it as hard as I can."

¹That's a really obscure Late Night with Conan O'Brien reference from about 1996. The sketch was called "Undelivered Mail", with messages that might have changed history if they had been delivered, and the piece of mail in question was, paraphrasing from memory, "Dear Matt LeBlanc, I think Ed is a great idea for a movie! Sincerely, Professor Wrongo, Bad Advice Institute."

posted by Steve Brandon @ 4:04 AM